My Crazy and Chaotic Carvana Catastrophe.

So, I should have posted this Saturday 12/12/20, because it was exactly one year from that day that I made the arduous journey to pick up my new car. 

However, the keep with the theme of all things "Carvana", I decided to do exactly what does NOT make sense...for no reason what so ever. 

DISCLAIMER: MY ADVICE,  DO NOT PURCHASE A VEHICLE FROM CARVANA- EVER!!! (at least not if you have the audacity to expect to receive what you are purchasing as it is listed -and priced -on their website)

I included the above disclaimer because this post is just going to cover the very long day that my mother and I traveled from Abilene to Dallas to pick up my new ride. If I were to cover all the travesties of customer service and ethical business practices that followed, it would be too much for anyone who is unaccustomed to constant and continual absurdity on a daily basis, such as I am, to handle. I feel confident that their brain would short circuit. Or melt. Yeah, probably melt. 

My decision to pick up the car instead of having it delivered was based solely on the idea of having my vehicle dispensed from a vending machine. ***Please keep in mind, this was before COVID-19.  The entire world had not yet been forced into sequestering in their homes, and no other Car Dealers were presently offering the ability to purchase a automobile completely online, site unseen.***

Now, I will say this, the “idea” behind Carvana’s concept was pretty cool. Especially appealing to me since I was currently without wheels so the ability to shop for, qualify for and pay for - a new car - all from my computer, was the main selling point. That is the extremely over simplified version of the buying process, as there were some hoops to jump through and a little red tape to untangle but I’ll gloss that over for the time being. My mindset at this point, (in what turned out to be an overall abysmal experience), was that they had a good product and could quite possibly revolutionize (and corner the market) in the whole car buying process if they just tweaked some minor process flaws and address some inconsistencies with their customer service reps. Basically I was excited and pretty optimistic. I say all of this to just illustrate my eagerness and generally jovial spirits at the beginning of the day. By midnight, I will have at least 13 more gray hairs and a twitchy eye.

So the day begins. My mother picks me up as she is my co-polite for this trip. She was 76 at the time and had not yet been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, although we should have taken her intensified personality quirks a little more serious in retrospect. At the time however, she was capable of this adventure, or so I hoped. My mother has never been comfortable driving on a freeway. I grew up in Houston and whenever she would take us to Astroworld when we were kids, the drive that would take anybody else’s parents 20 minutes took my mom 1 & 1/2 hours because she took all the side streets. But this was different, I explained to her beforehand. I will drive there while she just rides along ( back seat driving all the way). And on the way back she would drive the rental car and follow me in my new car. EASY PEASY I tell her. A little post drive pep talk!!! Feeling  pretty good about my situational management skills.  

First stop on the itinerary, is to drive her questionably road-worthy jeep  to the Enterprise lot to pick up the car I had reserved. 

I called ahead of time , twice in fact, to make sure that I would be able to use my debit card for the rental. I was told the same thing both times: that they put a $200 hold on the card and when you return the car they refund the difference over what the cost of the one day rental would be. That was perfect because I had just over $200 in my account after getting my cashiers check for the car.  Well.... that was not entirely factual.  Yes, they most certainly put a $200 hold on your card, essentially make your money unobtainable for the foreseeable future. Whatex they neglected to mention, which as I hysterical pointed out to them upon finding out - and is very important information, is that you also have to pay for the cost of the rental IN ADDITION to the $200 deposit. Well F(bleep)! Had I know that before I got there.... a lot of my pending public temper tantrum could have been avoided. (Tantrum #1) Oh and I forgot to mention that I had a “strict pick up time” of noon. Carvana’s words, not mine. It’s already about 8 am and it’s normally a 2 1/2 hr drive but I have nervous nelly with me, reminding me to not speed, don’t tailgate, that guys brake lights are on, and to slow down in constant, rapid succession to look forward to.  *!#*%!!!! (the break from my normal profane language is out of respect for my dad, who although he was once a sailor - hates that all his children cuss like sailors. Correlation??? It’s debatable but off topic so...). Due to my unfortunate time constraints I am forced to call the above mentioned male parental figure, who in situations like this I endearingly refer to as the B.O.D. (Bank of Dad), so he can PayPal me the measley $50 some odd dollars needed so I can get on down the road. It had been quite some time since I had used my PayPal and I had a new debit card, but I kicked that obstacles ass... eventually and not without a minor, and again very public, temper tantrum. (Tantrum#2)

 ***on a side note , the staff and I at the Enterprise in Abilene have put the past behind us and are now on first name basis. My husband and I use them all the time and they kick ass!***

So we are off,.... finally. We make it to the Carvana lot at break-neck speed, my mother critiquing my driving the ENTIRE way way. I endurance the seemingly endless, “ aren’t you going to fast?” questions because I was told by the Carvana dude  that if I was overly late for my appointment then it would have to be rescheduled - for two weeks out. They gave me an hour and a half extension so I had until 1:30. I was going to get there in time come hell or high water. I tuned my mom out and put the pedal to the metal. 

We pull into the Carvana lot right after 1 p.m.  I am so excited at this point I’m getting on my own nerves. Their building is impressive looking and they do indeed have a giant vending machine of cars, so to speak. I park the rental and bee-bop on into the lobby. I am initially confused and trying to decide if I am irritated by the need to rush, since other than my mom and myself, the only other person there is the ONE Carvana rep manning the store. BUT THEN, out of the corner of my eye, I spy a very extravagant cookie and drink spread that is layed out for us suckers that were fool enough to buy a vehicle from them. We are talking designer cookies here people!!! And hot chocolate. It’s like they had a glimpse into my soul. I gave the Carvana dude my paperwork and my cashiers check and was told my car would right up. (They do not actually come down from the vending machine you see but from under the building. Still cool as all the walls are glass and you get to watch it come up and then slide down a conveyor to your designated bay.). So there was another car already in the first bay for people unseen??? And it had a giant red bow across the whole vehicle. My mom LOVED that. But when my car came up it did not have a bow. I was honestly ambivalent about the bow, I just wanted the machine to go faster. But Mom was a different story. She let the Carvana dude know exactly how she felt about being denied a bow and kept demanding he go put one on my car, even if it meant taking it from the other car. THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. Carvana dude cared even less than I did about the bow and basically ignored my mom. That I did care about that. He is not family and therefore is not entitled any right to ignore her repeated demands. I earned that right and will not share it with goofball dude. (I rarely exercise this right to ignore, mainly only during exhaustive back seat driving instances...) Plus, I had already handed over my money to the side, so the pretense of concern or interest in my level of satisfaction was completely abandoned. This did not go unnoticed but I mentally tabled it deal with later. All I cared about was getting into my new ride. 

After an eternity it felt like, my new wheels were finally in my bay and the giant glass doors were opening. The car looks so beautiful. I get I the car and am going over all the tech gadgets, which is really all that goes into my decision process, and mpg. Mind you I am live streaming this entire process from the moment I saw the cookies. Well hmmm, I began to notice some things aren’t as I expected. Now granted, the only German car I ever owned before this car was a 1974 Mercedes 280 when I was in college.  I loved that car. ( my ex-husband set the engine on fire thus killing it. I am still bitter). Anyhow, there were no tech gadgets back then so my knowledge of current German automobiles was still 0%. So I was going to operate under the assumption that maybe I just couldn’t work it. But then I discovered the car did not have Navagation at all. That was one of the four features I  required in the car I searched for. The other three were 1. Sun roof - new car has one, but only lifts open an inch but does not slide all the way back. Unhappy about it but moving on 2. Back up camera. This car was listed with back up detection system- cannot remember at the moment if the word camera was actually used but I think it was but it was confirmed to me over the phone. But what it actually has is a sensor that detects if you are too close to an object and will beep. Now I am starting to see a pattern and I am feeling the stirrings of another tantrum. Which will evolve into a full tantrum shortly making this tantrum #3. The last and most important feature is Bluetooth capability. And this is where they are really shady. (And this last discrepancy I do not discover until I’m on the drive home unfortunately) It does have Bluetooth to make phone calls. But that is it. You cannot play your music or audio books. I will not bore you with the technicalities of why this is but suffice to say I would not have purchased the car had I been aware of this. 

So as I am trying to ascertain if I am just an idiot that cannot work this weird German car or if I was hoodwinked so I looked for the owners Manuel, which is supposed to be included. 

At this point I have decided to make the Carvana dude actually do his job and earn his paycheck.  I ask him where’s my manual? And he tells me he can print one but it will take awhile so he will just mail it to me. Um, no.  He obviously thinks I will just quietly go aware. He couldn’t be further from the truth. I never go quietly and do not just let things go. (Are there people out there that actually do that??)  I tell him I will wait for him to print it. He seems totally put out by my request / demand that he perform his job but I do not relent. About 30 minutes later he comes over with a stack of papers and tells me that it is just half the manual because they ran out of either ink or paper, I can’t remember which. Now I am visible losing my cool and am preparing to lay into this dude. I begin by telling him all the things the car is supposed to have but does not, and just as I am getting my momentum going, he shrugs, looks at me and says “well you don’t have to accept it” turns around and walks back to his little stool and goes back to doing nothing. 

NOT TAKE THE CAR??? Is he f*!#ing mad??? After all the obstacles that I already overcame. Not to mention I had already been without wheels for two months. And the idea of making this same drive again with my “driving instructor” monitoring me was horrifying. No - I take the car and tell myself I will call and get someone who can actually complete an entire sentence correctly and has the authority to do anything other than sign for a check. I am pretty certain this dude was so uninterested in my and opinion of utter failure on Carvana’s end that he did not even see my double bird salute to him as we left. What a shame. It was spectacular. 

The drive home. Here’s where things really go nutballs. Let me back up for one brief moment and state the the USB plug in where you charge your phone did not work in the rental car. And this was not noticed until my battery is in the red. This is especially distressing because my mother now has to drive the rental and follow me home. By this time it is rush hour traffic. In Dallas Forth Worth. Oh lord!  The new card does not even have a USB outlet but has to have one that goes into a cigarette lighter. I did not at that moment currently possess one. The plan was to get through the city and stop and pick one up in Weatherford. Off we go, I am going very slow so mom can keep up. The slower I go, she slows down even more- to prevent TAILGATING. What it actually does is allows at least five cars between us at all time. But we are doing good we made a couple of turns and freeway changes no problem. And then at hwy 121 there has been some construction so the turn came quicker than I expected and I adjusted course quickly so as not to miss it. I also did not miss my mother NOT adjusting course in time. She drove past me going down a wrong exit to the wrong hwy, all the while staring at me with the most bugged out and widest eyes I have even seen. Filled with equal parts terror and panick. Luckily, I share locations with my mom so I can track her from my phone. I call her IMMEDIATELY tell her to take the first exit off the freeway and park some where, STAY THERE and I will come to her. Pretty simple instructions right???  2 important factors that are impacting the success or failure of this new mission are 1. The care does not have navigation like is supposed to, so I am having to use my phone. 2. My phone is at 2%. That’s it, just 2%. But instead of just parking in a spot she continues to park and then move to a new place, calling me each time, thus hiding my map and draining my battery. My husband is also calling in rapid succession. This is still a daily and ongoing issue in my life but I digress.,,  I am trying to impress upon her that she needs to stop driving aimlessly and to stop calling. But to no avail. I became so frustrated that at one point I screamed at my poor mother to “Say welcome to Fort Worth, because you live here now. I’ll try to visit”. A slight unnecessary overreaction but I was now in the middle of the full blown temper tantrum #4. Not my proudest moment. When I finally did catch up with her -in this case it’s good she drive maddeningly slow- she was in tears because she thinks she is stupid. When actually it’s me that is just being an ass. My phone died about ten seconds after reuniting with mom. So now I just have to contend with the tantrum my husband is most assuredly having because my phone died. Does not matter that it due to no fault of my own. Also an ongoing issue I encounter fairly regularly.  We finally find a place to buy what I need to charge my phone and continue the long drive home. It’s probably well after 7p.m. by now. All I want to do is drive and check out and enjoy my new ride. But I am tag team called by the both of them for pretty much the entirety of the drive home. My husband wants to see all the feature of the car- while I’m driving. My mom calls to tell me that “I’m weaving -am I drunk??” Off what cookies?- and I’m only weaving because I’m showing the hubs the car while I’m driving. This call pattern repeated countless times. Can’t win for losing.  I believe it was after 1a.m. after I pulled into my driveway. 

Now this is just the tip of the iceberg of my issues with Carvana and my purchase of this vehicle, but this day is pack full of one absurdity after another. The next night I told the whole story to my friend Jess and her man and I have never seen her laugh so hard. I can be quite animated when telling a story in person. Jess requested I add this story. I hope the hilarity of the day comes through as vividly as when I told her the story. I believe she called it a “real knee slapper”. Just another crazy day to add to my list.